I was browsing through my old blog when I saw this.

Is this possible?

I need the magic now.

it pains me every time I lay still
   and listen to my thoughts
I run from the silence
   it echoes my thoughts
I  turn to the music
   to drown my own hymn
but my soul’s drumming
   battles with the radio’s rhythm
it was a struggle
   going on and on… and on
nauseating, drowning.

it stabs me
   every step I take
I try to run
  but the stabs… the stabs are aching.
and my feet,
my  feet are weary and refusing…
I have to run
  and if  I couldn’t, I have to scream 
But I couldn’t mount a voice
  No voice to disperse the stabbing threat
All I could, is quietly cry
  Let me out, let me out
Pleading, bleeding.

and I ask everyday
   why do you shut me out
and I wait everyday
   in relentless pain
knowing there will be no answer.
silencing, deafening.

you were that imaginary elf friend…
walking away
going back to your world
to claim thy crystal of  charm

I shout out in the woods
but you didn’t turn your back

I said quietly,
let the crystal
sparkle in your life;
gather back the trust
you scattered in the fields
you once wearily toiled…
let the crystal
mirror your life
and bring forth youth;
let the eerie laughter
sweetly abound
synching with thy heart’s festive beat

for my friend…
In my quiet,
I loved you that way
and wished you that sweetness
even if I only knew you
by your quiet poking in air
I wished you well
the only way I could
for it is—
that your life was a fantasy
that I couldn’t reach your quiet springs
I couldn’t touch the blooms of the gardens that you tended
and couldn’t understand
the uncertainty of the mountains you wished to traverse

I am on earth, shaken by earthen troubles
implanted to my land…
As you go
I search for a trace of you that’s real
And yes,
I remember quite clearly
You etched a part of you on
that flowing rainbow
after a cool day’s drizzle
You were playing the colors of the air
in hope and purity
for in your world you touch it
you weave it…

in mine
all I wish is to see you shine through.

walk away my friend
seek the crystal my world could not witness
and shine through.

A friend of mine once told me, “You know, you are too honest and that makes you so vulnerable.”  That is how it is in life. The more you sacrifice of your privacy, the more vulnerable you are to threats of security.  If you give away your email to a software site download you give away more room to be spammed.  You give your birthday in one of these sites, you give away to cyberspace one more key to your credit card. You see, the more vulnerable you are the more chances of being damaged. Grrr… I know that but I can’t help it. If you truly believe, honesty is an inevitable.  

So, ouch. Again.

I’d like to be the angel,
not the meanie gnome.
I’d like to be sweet little one,
not the wrecker of your home.

In my little thoughts,
I’d like to keep you by
In my little calls,
I’d like to let you fly

For if I cannot
I’d rather walk away
I gave you my soul
I came not to play

I have been loved
and you can’t
I have been thought of
and you just spent.

Let me see the good in me
Let me be free.

supreme emptiness
that’s what i took into my hands
of deepest emptiness
if emptiness ever did have its dimensions.

i was filled up with that world
of elven mystique
of simple joys
of intimate charms

overwhelming, fleeting
a touch of bliss
a touch of being, of living

to commit
to be vulnerable
to dance the way of the world.

i feared it all
i feared to hurt him
who patiently cared
i feared to have him and lose him

for i lose sight
of what love is
for i forget
its ways and wonders.

I let it go
I let it free.

I just don’t know how to be
I lost how to be.

SUNINGA (When will I see you?)
Richard Bona

And this is my story.

He introduced me to this song. He said it is hard to translate this song but roughly it is a sad song about a man who finds a woman and eventually loses sight of this woman. He goes on and on and looks for this woman in the forest, in the mountains…

I guess the ending is that he never really found her again.

This is my song and it started when I met him. He was a man who made me happy but hurt me along the way. Despite all, I saw in him the purity of what a human being could be… as close to perfectible as the limits of imperfectible is. He would not mean to hurt… so compassionate and yet so strong, so proud and yet so simple, so quiet and yet so meaning… He is so beautiful to the core without knowing it. I admired him and I am still in awe of the way he becomes a better person each day.

I know that for the rest of my life I will be “looking” for this man I once met in my life. Recently, we’ve decided not to talk anymore. I wanted him to fulfill his promises and I wanted him to be trusted. The other side of the coin is that I wanted to stop hurting myself and pretending not be hurt whenever I relive his loss. It was a goodbye that seemed right and wrong at the same time. It was giving up friendship while still vowing to keep it. It was a commitment to deal with our own lives the best we could and to be better people along the way.

I know I will be looking all my life. I will always be wondering if he is ok. I will always be “searching” so that I could bug him about my life’s kid stuff concerns and rebutting him for his sometimes funny logic and insightful claims. I will always be wishing I could listen to his stories about his dear ones and his pretty projects. I will always be looking forward to one day we could be proud and share what better people we have become and yet I know that I will never find him again…

It is a sad song… and a truly soulful one.

I think I’ve been watching too much TV. It is that narration of a woman continuously polishing over the events of a day… the endless blabbering of someone who thinks she has so much insight into human nature… the eternal wondering out loud…

So here goes my own episode:

It hit me. I was supposed to be moving on. It was a good turning point. I am officially out of the student way. I am a newly-licensed physician who has to make real life work. The timing has always given me enough distractions to help with my moving on… then, there he was offering me a nice doctor’s “stamp”. That stamp you’d have to use in every prescription or probably every order that you’d have to make each and every day. Stamp. Stamp. Stamp. I was terrified at the whole idea of being reminded of him everyday. He insisted on giving me the stamp.

I told him, “you really like torturing me, huh?”

He said, “No. You’ll forget it. And when you find a new lover, trash it…”

It was supposed to be just that–a small gift. Yet, something else just struck me. All this TV really has got into my head. It was charity stamped all over it. Half pity, half guilt. The stamp will keep me company, while I’m still feeling so…

Damn. I’m a sad story. I guess, it is time to trash that little sad part… for real. Then, I could stop these little voice-overs that reads into things more than what they really are.

Here, let me get an “urgent” stamp on that.

and maybe the drama of it all will never end. and like the Filipino telenovelas, it is that uncanny turn of events that so lingers. and damn, the pain goes on. and you just suffer. and sometimes you question whether you deserve it or not. and you just shame yourself for that protracted course you let this theater go on.
but it is the great protector. pain. to tell you that you are hurt. to tell you that you feel. to warn you that you need protection.
yep, it should be the time of healing from the cause of pain. you build on your defenses. you strengthen yourself. and no matter how long it is, don’t be ashamed. it is long. oh so long. but you know, the drama isn’t just some show. the cause of the pain might still be there. and maybe you cannot admit that. but if something is so deep and so true and it has become a part of you, it is not easy to live without.
don’t be in a hurry. you will survive. without the pain. or forever with it. don’t be ashamed of the drama. and don’t say you’re ok if you’re not. you just tell this world, you will live no matter what.

what is allodynia?

and it was soft…
almost unheard

it was a goodbye
a deepened loss
gently, sweetly, kindly

no tears dropped
no blaming
just peaceful recouping
just quiet acceptance

just hurt
without anybody doing the hurting
just goodbye
with everybody promising to be there

too soft to be heard
too deep not to be felt.